Going to bed, but! I just reached a nice round number of followers and I think it’s traditional to do something stupid in recognition of the fact, so, here you go guys, have this incredibly dumb crossover shit I wrote while on the train several days ago and am clearly never going to find any practical use for. It’s cool, you can unfollow me again now.
I HOPE YOU LIKE X-MEN.
Founded by bald telepathic genius Professor Cal Francis Scratch to defend a fandom that ships and fears them, the HS-Men operate from an opulent greenstone mansion in Westchester County, New York – disguised behind the innocuous public facade of Professor Scratch’s School for Precious Babies. Besides all the usual facilities, such as swimming pools and gymnasia, the mansion boasts some impressive technological assets. At its heart is Cere-Bro, a pair of sunglasses stored in a sealed basement, which magnify the wearer’s telepathic abilities to a startling degree and serve as a global monitoring system. The Cere-Bro AI also runs the mansion’s Danger Room, where the HS-Men hone their abilities; its bizarre sense of humour means that this room is often significantly more dangerous than the actual enemies the team faces. Beneath the tennis courts is the hangar for the experimental Long Magic Dog stealth jet, in which the team rides through the sky on its neverending mission to find bullies and fuck their shit up.
Bicyclops (Sollux Captor): the first mutant recruited by Scratch, and the overall team leader. A serious, driven, and rather uptight young man who rarely allows himself to relax. In combat he relies mostly on his distinctive (and devastating) red-and-blue eye-beams, but he is also an excellent strategist and a capable telepath.
Quetzal (Rose Lalonde): the team’s most powerful member, she focuses and channels her almost limitless telekinetic abilities through the pair of wands or ‘needles’ she carries. Nearly destroyed the HS-Men entirely when she became possessed by an ancient cosmic entity called the Fluthlu Force, causing her to go completely off the deep end, start wearing a basque, and exterminate six billion salamanders. She got better.
The Furry (Jade Harley): beneath her alarming bestial exterior (well, dog ears) hides the mind of a brilliant scientist. Jade has saved her friends as often with her chemical and biological know-how as with her strength and gymnastic prowess. She is also a crack shot with most long-barrel firearms. The name wasn’t her idea, but it stuck.
Raguel (Terezi Pyrope): named for the Angel of Justice, her most prominent mutation is her pair of vast white dragon-wings, which enable her to fly at great speeds and with considerable agility. She is blind, but uses a combination of hypersenses and echolocation to gain a disturbingly accurate picture of her surroundings. She likes to lurk on rooftops, then swoop down and lick people’s faces when they least expect it.
Coolkid (Dave Strider): exudes an intense aura of pure cool around his body, causing anyone in close proximity to get, like, really insecure about stuff and start wondering if maybe they need better taste in music. By focusing this power he can freeze moisture in the air to create long ‘rails’ of ice, along which he can then ‘grind’. This is science. When all else fails he hits people with a fucking huge sword.